phoenix: (pic#657)
[personal profile] phoenix2011-04-28 11:24 pm

Discovering sleep

I've discovered that my strange bouts of not-insomnia (unwillingness to try to fall asleep) are usually about avoiding actively deciding to not do something. I had two big examples of this lately. 

First, getting anxious about an outing I'd planned with a friend. I was suddenly terribly upset at the thought of going, but I kept putting off telling her. Instead I stayed up /all/ night, till 11am the next morning when I was too tired to eat, never mind leave the house. Only then did I get the courage to tell my friend I wasn't going. (As it happened, she didn't want to go either!)
 
Second was two days ago. I'd taken an extra day off work for Easter, and realised too late that I'd miss something important. Instead of sleeping as normal, I stayed up, playing games and keeping myself distracted nonsensically. I only got clued into the point of this wakefulness when I remembered the precious happening - I wanted to make it impossible to do the undesirable task. And again, no one treated me poorly when I said "sorry, I won't be making it to this event" - something to remember for the future. 

This discovery is both positive and negative - it's useful to recognise the point behind procrastination. I'm glad I know what's going on.  
callum: cancelled before its time (maybe it's time to change)
[personal profile] callum2010-10-20 01:25 am

(no subject)

I have discovered that my inability to trust even the right people and treat the world as hostile will inevitably lead to failure.

Unless I can change.

I believe -- I know I can.

(no subject)

I've been in the process of discovering that I really don't take life very seriously. I never think far into the future... at least, not seriously. I can't plan things too far in advance because I never see the point. I can't help but think that this defect of mine (or whatever you want to call it) is a result of the depression I've been fighting for ages. It's just annoying that even when I'm not in an episode that I still can't plan anything - I just don't know how and even if I did, I don't think I'd care. That worries me a little.

On the plus side, I do seem to be getting better at handling my life in general. I may not be planning all that well for the future, but I'm somehow (kind of) managing to go to school, work, and still see friends on a weekly basis. [I say "kind of" only because I'm currently behind in the readings for most of my classes... XD] I don't know how long this period of productivity is gonna last, but I'm going to rejoice and enjoy it.... and hopefully I'll get my scholarship back this year. :)
callum: doing what he does best (larry david-cye-what | rationalizes)
[personal profile] callum2010-09-04 07:13 pm

first post

Today I discovered that I rationalize my anger with women, where a man would get my full wrath. I don't know where this comes from except a weird, internalized misogyny that believes "other women" should be "protected" and "defended" at all costs (possibly my mother, who lives in her own fairytale world and insists on being protected - love her dearly, but ugh), because "an attack on one of us is an attack on all of us." Which has been pointed out to me as paranoid.

On the positive end, this means I'm inclusive toward "all women" and every once and awhile the paranoid are just those people who are "perceptive" and will be prepared when real shit starts going down and be able to help people. I'm also well aware I don't need protection, and what I do, I am perfectly capable of achieving on my own. Just have to remember to give that same approach to other women too, because I'm certain most women in my generation are quite a bit better educated than my mother. Kinda sad, but true.